Last week I spoke about my Relationship Insecurities on my Facebook page. I mentioned that self-love played a big part in my healing. I’d love to share with you some of what I did to heal my heart and rebuild my self-worth, which has enabled me to experience a deeply satisfying relationship with my hubby, Andy.
For those who don’t know my story, self-love was not something that came naturally to me. Having grown up with eczema over most of my body, I disliked my appearance and often wished I were someone else. A lifetime of comparison can create a vulnerable mind and this is what I experienced.
For many years I looked for external validation, hoping to find the love and intimacy I yearned for, however no-one really measured up. It wasn’t that my expectations were too high; I was trying to attract a loving partner, which was a very different vibration to how I felt inside.
I continued the affirmations and mirror work, which I’d been doing for many years, however I stopped trying to be positive every time I was triggered. I stopped avoiding the feelings that bought up pain and instead faced my fears and insecurities.
These are some of the actions I took:
- Some days I cried and fully felt my fears. These days were tough.
- Other days I’d walk and vent either to a good friend or to myself. I’d say how I truly felt. No sugar coating the situation, I called it as it was. Some days this bought me to my knees, so afraid of what could be.
- After the tears subsided, I’d begin speaking to myself kindly. This would sound like, ‘Tracy, I love you; you’re good enough; you’ve got this or it’s okay’. Or, I’d ask myself questions like, ‘What do you need right now?’, ‘How can I help you?’ These questions were usually aimed at my inner child, as she was often feeling alone or fearful. Her answers were, ‘I need a hug; tell me you love me; let’s go to the park and go really high on the swings’. I’d honour what she asked for.
- There were times I got really angry, I’d scream and yell into my pillow. This is such a powerful tool if you’re someone who struggles to voice your opinion and you want to get things off your chest! Sometimes I didn’t even feel angry when I’d start this exercise, however I would simply mention a situation that was annoying me and see where it took me. At times I’d be surprised at the venom that would arise.
- I hadn’t realized there was a step prior to forgiveness, which was to acknowledge what I truly felt. I had tried to be all ‘spiritual and loving’ for a long time. It was actually really freeing to acknowledge how angry I was; it felt so empowering.
- I’d journal and get everything out of my mind and onto paper. This is really helpful if you have a busy mind and find yourself analysing situations a lot. When our thoughts are swirling around in our head, it can be really difficult to differentiate between ego and intuition. Writing it all down can make things so much clearer.
- I continued to do my mirror work and affirmations and I began to notice that I was being more compassionate to myself. There was less judgment and comparison and in their place was empathy, kindness and a gentleness, which I hadn’t consistently given to myself before.
Do you see what was unfolding? Empathy, kindness and gentleness were three things I’d dearly wanted in my relationships, however I hadn’t given them to myself. How we treat ourselves is the precedent to how others will treat us. As I began to be kinder to me, I received kindness from others too.
Yes, self-love is eating healthy food, exercising and doing affirmations. It’s also acknowledging the shadow aspects of us and healing our past hurts, rather than trying to hide them while only loving the positive parts of ourselves.
As we’re able to dive deeper and accept ourselves for who we are right now, we discover a deeper sense of satisfaction, one that derives from within. This is much different than the love we try to acquire from external circumstances. Self-love is a love that no one can take away from you. It’s the type of love which permeates into each area of your life and brings with it joy, trust, worthiness and contentment. It whispers to you, ‘You’ll be ok, no matter what…’
Tracy Manu is a life coach, women’s mentor and inspirational speaker. She supports and empowers women, to create lives they truly, deeply love.
If you’re ready to experience a deeply satisfying life, learn more about coaching or book your free consult with Tracy.